Praying, more like begging.

Dear Lexi,

As I lay here staring at your beautiful face, watching you sleep, I find myself praying non stop. Maybe praying isn’t the right word. It’s more like begging. Let me start this from yesterday though.

It had been over a week since your tests and I hadn’t heard a word about the results. I was trying to operate my life under the old saying that “No news is good news” but I had this nagging feeling. I hate that feeling. I kept telling myself that it is because we have so much going on that my mind won’t rest. During a conversation with my friend Stephanie she told me to just suck it up and call the doctor. The phone works both ways and she unfortunately has experience with how all this works too. She knows the feeling of uncertainty and also knew that good news would mean I could rest easy and bad news means we could form a plan and stop stressing about anything else that wasn’t an issue. So, after a few hours I got the courage to pick up the phone and call the hospital.

“I called Childrens. The doctor hadn’t even reviewed her test results. I talked to the nurse. He said as far as he can tell everything looks to be in normal ranges, but he was going to talk to the doctor to confirm. Praise the lord.”
That is the text I sent out after talking to the nurse. Less than an hour later, the doctor called.

Basically, it is a dang good thing that I follow my gut and made them do all the original endo type tests too. The doctor said all the regular tests looking for the type of cancer you had looked great. Some of the extra tests that I asked them to do showed some “irregularities that cause concern”. They made a call to endocrinology because one of the things that looks not so normal has to do with the pituitary gland. That would explain the bleeding.

The head of endo is out of town until Monday. When they return we should get a call. Your oncologist was thinking that they will run more blood and likely want an MRI or CT. If they do that they’ll go ahead and rescan your pelvis and abdomen too just for safe measure. I seriously pray that whatever is going on that you don’t need surgery. Brain surgery sounds terrifying. If you do, I will just be thankful that we live in an era with the technology to make it happen, to fix the issue and to make you healthy again.

So, here we are. Back to the begging. I want to keep you so bad. I dream of you having a long life. Free of anymore serious health issues. I dream of you getting married and having a family and just of you being happy.

It’s crazy. Deep down I know that if I lost you tomorrow that all of this would have been worth it. I wouldn’t wish you away. You have been such a blessing to me, to all of us. Your dad and brothers and sisters, we all think the world of you. That is why I beg. You’re my hero Lex. Just to me a favor and keep fighting, okay?

I love you baby girl. Forever and ever.

Xoxo
Mom
P.S. If anyone else reading this wants to pray on this we would be truly grateful.