Dear Lexi,
The day before any of your tests or scans is always especially stressful. I am a worrier and it seems to be amplified today with tomorrow’s MRI in our sights. Of course, today is Mother’s Day (5/10/2015). Instead of sitting around and letting my emotions take the wheel I decided we would use today to get some good family time and crafting done.
We went to Joann Fabric where we searched for the perfect fabric to make you and your doll Fredi hospital gowns. Fredi made it back from the doll hospital on Thursday and you are ecstatic about it. She came home in a new hospital gown, but I knew you would be so happy to have a gown that matched her. You scoured the countless bolts of fabric and decided on a lovely Doc McStuffins print. When we got home you sat so sweetly and eagerly helped me piece together the pattern and cut the pieces. We took a break and you’re asleep on the couch. I can’t wait to see how it turns out. As long as they come out nice I am sure we will end up making them for Miley and Libby’s dolls as well.
I guess you’re probably wondering what transpired to lead us to the MRI…
Last Wendesday we woke up and got ready early so that we could drop the big kids off at school and head up to Colorado Springs to pick out flooring for our house and then meet up with Grandma Candy for lunch. We were about 1/2 way to Denver when the hospital called telling us that we needed to head straight there. The Endocrinologist got the notes and labs from last week and was concerned and wanted to run another lab.
When we got to the hospital you were upset because you knew that we weren’t suppose to be there. We pretty much walked straight back to a room. The nurse came in, explained that we would be spending most of the day there and then gave you a shot that was needed to measure some hormonal reaction in your blood. We waited and hour and you had your first draw. The nurse told you to go get some food, walk around and be back in 2 hours.
We went and grabbed lunch then started walking around the hospital. The hospital is unique to any hospital that I have ever been in. They have so many activities and outlets for kids there, it’s wonderful. We were walking by Seacrest Studio and saw a kids yoga class going on you and Libby asked to go in. The guy that runs the studio asked me to sign a waiver to use you and Libby’s pictures. They couldn’t believe how well you two did in the class.
Two hours passed so we went back for your last draw. You HATE getting your blood drawn. They did an IV because I thought one poke would be easier on you, but you freaked out regardless.
We spent a few more minutes waiting and not one, but two doctors came in to talk to us. The results came in and after they consulted with your oncologist they decided that the best course of action was to do an MRI.
Normally with your test results with no history they would possibly do an MRI and then if it was clear they would give a shot to stop the hormones from freaking out. That’s not going to happen with you. The doctors said that with your history that a clear MRI wouldn’t fully convince them that a tumor isn’t present, just that it could be clear and that it could be too small to see anything. They’re afraid that if they gave you the shot and if it stopped your body from giving us signs that we could miss something serious. So they will do the MRI and if it’s clear it is a waiting game. If you have more symptoms then they do another MRI. If that’s clear we keep playing that game for a year and then reevaluate. If it shows a tumor, which is what it seems they are expecting, we plan a surgery to get it out and get you on the road to recovery.
Both outcomes scare me. On one hand, if they see a tumor they can get it out and we can start moving on, but it’s still brain surgery. On the other hand if it is clear that’s great, but I feel like we will be in limbo just waiting for something else to go wrong. So either way it sucks and is terrifying. Going to the hospital was really good for my mental health. It was a gentle reminder that there are so many people in this world dealing with so many worse things than us. It made me remember to be thankful for everything God places in our lap. I just keep praying that God gives me the sanity to handle either outcome. I know that no matter what happens, you are such an incredible blessing.
I love your snuggles every night before bed. I love your nasty hotdog burp kisses and how you cover me in every mess you get into. I love how strong and how full of compassion you are. I love that no matter how bad of a day you are having that you still make sure I know you love me. I love how you curl up in my arms for safety and how your smile makes my heart overflow with love. You’re incredible.
I love you to the moon and back. Infinity times infinity.
XOXO,
Mom
