OOPS! 4/22/2015

Dear Lexi,

Wow. It has been a long time since I wrote you a letter. It isn’t because I love you less when things are going well for you, but that I’ve just been plain overwhelmed. Since last time I wrote your daddy got out of the Army!!!!! We moved, before our house was able to get rented we have had not one, but two floods. You and Libby got potty trained!!!! Your brother and sister (Sam and Mi) joined a new cheer gym, you and Libby get to tumble there too. Your Auntie came to visit so you finally got to meet your cousin, baby Hunty. Mark started German lessons and we got a pool membership so we have been swimming a lot! There have been tons of other things going on, but that’s the big stuff.

In the recent months, medically, you have had a few ultrasounds and blood work and everything has come back crystal clear, praise the lord.

The past few days you have been a little fussier than normal. You’re two so that can be expected. What wasn’t expected was when we took you potty last night and you had some spotting in your panties. What?! Why?!! Not again!!! Were a few of my first thoughts. Quickly followed by, THANK GOD YOU ALREADY HAVE AN APPOINTMENT SCHEDULED AT DENVER CHILDREN’S TOMORROW! Whenever something doesn’t go as I would hope it to go for you I feel an overwhelming need to spoil you that instant. Before you went to bed last night you won the kids GIANT ice cream sundaes.

This morning we woke up and made muffins together and had a pretty normal morning. After we dropped the bigs off at school we headed straight down to Denver for your appointment.

After the doctor learned of our evening he ordered a ton of extra bloodwork, a urine analysis and another ultrasound. While we were waiting for you to go potty and your ultrasound appointment we headed to the play area in the back side of oncology. We were sitting there coloring pictures, you’re getting really good at coloring circles, and Grant, your amazing nurse came to visit. He brought you a GIANT backpack full to the brim with a portable DVD player, movie, book, puzzles and toys. Turns out there is a foundation, http://www.bagsoffun.org that fills these up and blesses all the cancer kids at Denver Children’s with one. I cried. Scratch that. I UGLY CRIED. How sweet is it that a stranger loves you enough to do something so huge for you without even ever meeting you.

Being part of this community, the childhood cancer community, isn’t something I ever wanted. It’s not something I would wish on anyone, BUT I am thankful to be here. Being here has made me a better person. It’s made me believe in miracles. It’s shown me a strangers love. It’s taught me compassion. It makes me so sad that you have had to go through so much in order for me to grow into the person that I was meant to be. I pray that all the results will come back normal and that you will never have to relapse or go through any of this again. I pray that this becomes a memory that you only have from being told stories.

Thank you Lexi. For EVERYTHING. For all that you do for me. For all the lessons you teach me. For showing me perfect love. I am forever in debt to you. I pray that I can always be not only the mom you need me to be, but also the mom you want me to be.

I love you.

Forever and ever and ever.

To the moon and back.

Infinity times infinity.

– Mom